I Didn’t Call Her A Bitch
Posted: January 6, 2012 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: bitch, church, gay, hate mail, homosexuality, point loma, prayer 72 Comments »I didn’t call her a bitch, because I knew my mom would have been disappointed.
I was standing behind the register watching a woman who had been perusing the mugs and coffee presses for three minutes, my green apron hanging from my neck and tied snugly around my waist. She kept sneaking looks over her shoulder at me, which meant one of two things:
she needed help,
or she wanted to steal the San Diego cup she kept touching on the bottom shelf.
She was in her fifties, I guessed, because her hair was greying and the wrinkles around her eyes and mouth were the kind that only stick after years of laughing and scolding and juggling more than you probably should. “She’s fought for those lines,” I remember thinking.
“Hey there, welcome to Starbucks. Can I help you find something?”
She turned her head toward me, slowly, like dragging it through water, and stared.
“I’m fine,” she said, curtly. A lion in tall grass, she lurked behind displays of beans and teas and traveller cups for the next minute, all the while furtively looking my way. I smiled, because I was paid to smile. Finally, she spoke again.
“You went to Point Loma, didn’t you?”
“Yeah, I just graduated in May.”
She paused.
“My son goes there,” she said. “I’ve heard about you.”
“Oh, no way! Who’s your son?”
When she told me his name, I realized that she was the woman who had written a letter to my mom and dad, a letter informing them that they had failed as pastors and parents for not trying to exorcise the gay-ness that had buried itself in my bones. They should be ashamed, she explained to them, that their son was planning on pursuing the gay lifestyle. “There are places that could fix him,” the letter read. I remember cussing a lot on the phone when my dad called to tell me about it, and told him it was ok because her son doesn’t like me, either.
“Oh! Your son’s really nice,” I lied.
She didn’t believe me; I didn’t care. She went back to the grass for cover, fearing the rainbows in my breath might wrap around her heart and make her start kissing ladies and cutting her hair short. She was right to be cautious: you never can tell with us gays. We’re so goddamn contagious, you know.
Her daughter rushed in, presumably from the car, and confidently made her way to the register. She didn’t know about my, what’s the word, condition, so she was cordial.
“Hey,” she breathed. “Can I get a white mocha?” Fearful for her ill-informed child, the woman pounced forward and stood behind her daughter’s shoulder: tall, protective, knowing.
“Totally. It’s $4.55.” While I wrote on the cup, the mother stood violently close, nostrils flared. Once she had paid, the daughter walked to the restroom, and the woman and I were left alone, like arena-bound animals. I started steaming the 2%. Looking first to her left, then her right, the woman leaned over the bar and got as close to my face as she could.
“A lot of people are praying for you,” she threatened. I looked up, meeting her eyes, and—instead of throwing the blistering milk in her face—said nothing. Back to the grass she went.
Little does she know, I’ve been praying for her, too. Big, fat, boy-kissing prayers:
That someday, when she gets tired of fighting, she learns to rest.
That someday she stops fearing.
That someday, when the people in her life who have the same kind of dreams I do have the courage to tell her, she embraces them.
That someday her wrinkles become testaments to a love-filled history.
I added the syrup, pulled the shots, topped it with whipped cream, and set it on the bar.
“Wow, this is really good!” her daughter said, some of the whip still sticking to her lips.
“Thanks,” I replied, smiling for real this time.
i. adore. you.
<3
This is too good, sir.
You still owe me a coffee date, miss.
Todd- I’m sure you know this, but I just wanted to say that I think you are a REALLy good writer, and I hope to read a book by you someday if you ever happen to write one. Until then, your blog will do.
Katie–you’re the best. So good to hear from you. I’d love to write someday. Who knows: maybe some sucker of a publisher will pick me up.
Love conquers all. I’m so proud of your loving response to a hateful person. The best part is you get to be you (an awesome, self-aware young man) and she has to keep on being her (scared, ignorant, middle-aged woman).
Hannah. I’ve heard about you. Can we meet someday?
you are a good man….kill em with kindness…if that doesn’t get her…the gay will!
Ha! Jon Lynch, for the win.
I remember this!!!
I was so proud of you holding your own and not letting anything get to you. That my friend is the power of God working in your life…. Knowing when to turn the other cheek is the hardest thing we can do with our own human nature, but with God’s hand TRULY guiding us we can do it!!! LOVE U!!!
It. was. in. sane. I thought I was going to flip out. I miss you much. Love you, friend.
Solid post Todd. Cyber publishing word will eat it up.
Thanks, Suess. We’ll see.
I LOVE the opening sentence…….
Mom
I knew you would.
You didn’t call her a bitch?
Too bad……
From your far-less-holier-than-thou cousin.
I saw a link to this post on two of my friends’ facebook pages (well, ‘friends’ in the facebook sense as well as the literal: one was a professor of mine from Point Loma, the other was a former roommate) and was instantly intrigued. You have a wonderful writing style: very inviting and casual but with wit and sophistication blended in. I’m always looking for writing networks, and look forward to reading more. And yes, I was a former Point Loma student myself
Eric posted this on his Facebook and I have to say, thoroughly impressed by your writing! You captured the intolerance and ignorance sadly prevalent in our society in a subtle voice that can resonate with all walks of life. Best wishes and keep writing!
Brilliantly written as always. You are an inspiration to us all.
Oh, Todd. Only in your posts do I feel every emotion on the spectrum; this post was no exception. I have to say, though, that I’m not sure that I would have had the self-control to not at least whisper a derogatory, gay something in her wrinkled ear. We indeed are goddamn contagious, you know.
I called her a bitch for you that day. In an elaborate day dream I said it boldly to her face. In reality I just shouted it in the back room so that I wouldn’t lose my job or my dignity. Seeing someone judge you so unabashedly and, of course, disguised as a “loving gesture” was unreal. You handled it like a champ, and I was disturbed by the notion that you already had so much practice. You are an amazing man with a story to share. Thanks for sharing. And come back to work with me at Starbucks…I miss you!
Those who use a religion based on love to judge and hate never cease to amaze me. How do they miss the message?
My goodness……that IS a profound statement. Love it!
Todd,
As a Christian mother with three sons, your honest, vulnerable writing draws me in and causes me to question and reflect the true intentions of my heart, the demonstrations of Christ in me, as well as the depth and love of my relationship with my sons. I find myself pondering on your posts throughout the day, and discussing them at night! Your transparency is such a powerful tool to others! THANK YOU!!!
It’s hard to be gracious in those unexpected encounters. Good for you, Todd.
I’m impressed with how people are able to change their mistaken beliefs. God is gracious.
I’m reminded of John Smid, a former leader of “Love in Action” (an ex-gay ministry), who finally admitted that he had “never met a man who experienced a change from homosexual to heterosexual.” He now believes that gays and lesbians can be sexually active within their freedom in Christ. His post is a bit long, but it’s worth the read.
http://www.gracerivers.com/gays-repent/
Todd. I read your blog religiously.
You are… number one: an amazing writer. number two: an absolutely strong and courageous person. number three: so honest. Honesty is something hard to come by in this world.
I love the way you portray these lessons. My best friend from home is gay and I read to him your posts over break, he hasn’t put as much thought into it as you have and I thought it might just give him some more to think about.
I know you’ve heard this all before, but here’s another comment about it. I also remember meeting you the summer you didn’t eat that you were talking about in “Breakfast”. I’m so glad I met you, not that much ever happened after that other than a hello or two. I wish you the best. Maybe I’ll see you at Starbucks sometime! And… I would have called her a bitch. I give you props for not.
One of the scariest things about the gays is their rainbow breath. Quite harrowing.
You should write a letter to her grizzled parents about getting her ‘fixed’- although with at least two spawn running around, it might be too little, too late. My favorite part was when she didn’t believe you that he was nice.
[...] “I Didn’t Call Her a Bitch” recounts a chance encounter with a conservative Nazarene customer who recognized Todd from last year’s controversy. [...]
Wonderful! Sharing especially with 21 y/o just out nephew.
Bravo!!!!!!! You are a class act and make me proud!!!!!!
♥♥♥ You are a top-quality human being, Todd Clayton, and you make me feel proud.
What an amazing narrative. You are an exceptional writer. Please never give up on that.
Please post this on reddit. they’d *love* it, and many would be nurtured by it too.
How do I do that?
I cordially invite you to come to SDSU on 2/6. Come see me read and please introduce yourself.
I’ll be there, Scout’s honor.
I subscribed. Nice to meet you, and tell your mom and dad that I said they did a good job!
Pack of lies. No way Starbucks Coffee tastes good.
Awesome solidarity. Don’t think I could have kept my mouth shut, as an employee or as a human. Congrats on taking the high road.
-Rob, a redditor
Someone on google+ led me here to your blog.
Anyway, I think your parents raised you just fine, and since you are a loving and kind person who treats others with respect, I’d say they’re excellent pastors as well.
This particular lady, on the other hand, does NOT read the word of Jesus, because hate is not taught to Christians.
It was good to meet you.
A pastor’s step-daughter….
This is just fantastic.
You are an inspiration!! And a damn good writer.
Thumbs up to you!
Todd, This story (both the content and the quality)is amazing. I was raised in an atmosphere which would have been a petri dish for this woman… I am so very fortunate that God gave me an inquisitive mind and heart, and that I had many friends from school who helped open up the rest of the world for me.
I sadly, still know people like the woman you describe, including my own brother, but not everyone, thank God, is that way. My uncle, who is himself a Baptist minister, also has the same heart and mind that I was blessed with, and actually married my cousin (his daughter) and her partner a few years ago. I think he must be the same kind of Godly man as your parents, the ones who truly show God’s love here on earth. My mom, who formerly may have harbored some of the feelings as the woman above, really had an “aha” moment when I took her shopping to choose a card for my cousin and her wife. I am so proud of her, and really take her experience, at 70-something, as a sign of hope.
I pray for the same for my brother. I have many nieces and nephews your age, and really try hard to educate their hearts and minds to focus on love. I feared for years the fate of any of my brother’s children, should he/she be gay, and even sang them lullabies like “Auntie Rach will love you always, no matter what you do or say”, or something like that. As they’ve gotten older, I have been much more up front with them about people who don’t fit into their father’s world, including my friends, whom they have always adored, who just happen to be, among many other things, gay.
Anyway, when I pray for them, I will pray for you too. You have an amazing heart, incredible character, and a very wise “old soul”. Be well.
You’re a better person than I am.
When you’re happy with yourself you have a calm center and just feel astonishment or pity for those that don’t have it. It feels much better doesn’t it?
Story would have been better if you threw the milk in her face. oh well.
Good job keeping your cool
Well written and very good response from you. It’s sad how many people miss what could be wonderful friendships because they fear people who aren’t just like them. You seem like someone who would make some lucky people a great friend.
I am saddened that in a world with so much pain people would still cling to ignorance and be so mean. What a fool she is. I too pray for her and others so fearful without courage. You are a good and decent person for remaining calm and professional, consider yourself hugged! We need more level headed people like you. Much love.
As a native English speaker, I enjoyed your writing in this post.
As someone from a fairly fundamental background, I understand where this woman is coming from. I have met many like her.
As a Christian, I admire your demonstration of the Fruits of the Spirit: patience, peace, kindness, goodness, and self-control.
And, as a gay person, I’ve felt that same persecution you faced that day. I only hope that I show such class, tact, and truly Christian attitude when I come under it. God bless you, sir.
A friend posted this on FB and I was snared by the title..so I just HAD to find out what you were talking about..lol I loved how you handled that poor, misinformed woman. As I was reading this article I went from curious to slack jawed to angry and finally applause for your thoughts, her actions and your reactions to her. Had to pick my jaw up off the floor with her remarks and I am sure, had anyone been home they would have wondered what made me chuckle a few times. BRAVO Young man..:)
My sister posted this on Facebook (via anotheer). Good self control! I have to think that she knows the verse about heaping coals of fire on your enemy’s head, but it would never occur to her that it applies here. People like this are never that self aware.
I like your writing so far — every word counts.
Aaah! I can actually spell “another”.
Ahhh, I love this! So freaking good!
“A lot of people are praying for you,” she threatened.
This.
This is why the statement “I’m a Christian” requires footnotes. Great blog. So glad I found you.
Stories like this one are why i sometimes don’t want to tell people i am a Christian. The kind of hate and judgement we have unleashed in the name of righteousness is sickening. I have had two conversations this week that were very much like the one above, and although i have never even questioned my sexuality, i was angered and nauseated on behalf of my gay friends. It was all i could do to keep my composure, and it wasn’t even me being attacked.
Todd, i’d say that i have no idea how you did it, except that i know exactly how you were able to extend kindness and grace to her: you are clearly overflowing with the love of Christ. Thank you for being you, and for doing so publicly.
LOVE this. And I’m sorry that you had to put up with that. Nobody should have to listen to the things she said to your parents or to you.
You did good.
I really wish these people would find something else to do, like feed the hungry or care for the sick.
It hurts my heart to hear somebody would take the time to write a letter so hate filled to parents that obviously did a really good job raising a decent human being. What a waste of energy that in todays world could be used so more helpfully. Good for you for taking the loving high road!
Thank you.
This is the perfect example of how to defuse a situation. I’m sure you were screaming inside, but instead of going berserk you didn’t give her cause any credence. Way to go! You are one strong man.
Great post and great writing.
I saw this posted on FB, and the opening line made me want to read it all.
If only all the world’s people were as forgiving. It is a difficult thing to turn the other cheek, which is totally what you did. You handled the situation with class and grace, something I’m sure was very difficult.
Bravo to you!!
ugh, you should’ve said all those things with a big ole grin on your face. You’re obviously happier than her, enjoying life, living it to it’s fullest while she’s hating, judging and growing black inside!
Thank you, sir.
Exquisite. I hope one day a new sliver of experience will spread alongside her eyes, the hurt and wisdom of having come around.
“That someday, when she gets tired of fighting, she learns to rest.
That someday she stops fearing.
That someday, when the people in her life who have the same kind of dreams I do have the courage to tell her, she embraces them.
That someday her wrinkles become testaments to a love-filled history.”
THIS! THIS! THIS!
Thank you for swallowing her fear and turning it into love. I’m sorry that you had to do this, but so grateful that you did. Calling her “bitch” confirms and hardens her fear expressed as bigotry and prejudice. You are a true warrior in the way that God calls us to be warriors: in love.
Again, sorry you had to do it, but you are among the saints and poets who will truly change the world for not biting back with return hatred, no matter how justified.
And if I may share, here’s what happened when one of my customers asked for a Bob Marley CD. Not knowing he was “colored”. http://www.josetteplank.com/2010/11/every-little-thing.html
Wonderful.
She’s pathetic, you’re a decent man, and I wish you a full and happy life. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we lived in a world filled with people who minded their own business, who treated others like they would wish to be treated. A world without judgements, and preconceptions. A world with love and acceptance. You live in such a world, she never will. There is no peace for a person like that. She’s to be pittied. You have my respect, and probably better self control than I do! She is a waste of a life, and you are a celebration!
What a well-spoken and wonderful young man you are! You are so much wiser than this woman and it is so loving of you to pray for her to find peace. Continue to take the high road- those that love you will only love you more for it, and those that don’t, aren’t worth your effort. Your wonderful way with words is what drew me into this post, the issues you address and your approach to the hate of others is what makes me want to come back again. You should be so proud of all of your gifts.
You are such a great writer! “Big fat boy-kissing prayers”. Perfect!
Wonderful–your writing, and your actions.
Brilliant. I am SO falling in love with your writing…