Scalded Fingers (Part 3)
Posted: December 29, 2011 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: coming out, gay, homosexuality, hope, love 8 Comments »My mom, still in the chair across the living room, finally asked the question that damn near begged itself.
“Why did you wait so long?”
This, I’ve learned, is one of the more difficult ones to answer.
Sitting quietly for a moment, I eventually offered what I thought to be the most honest, telling response:
“I was afraid, mom.”
For too long, Fear stood over me, and with his wily, incalculable hands pressed against my chest and laughed. In high school, I always slept with the television on; the infomercials and Cosby Show re-runs of late-night lore muffled the kart-wheeling voices in my head that were otherwise deafening.
The ones that said I wouldn’t be coming home for Christmas anymore.
The ones that said my youth pastor was right.
The ones that said the inevitable stares, snickers, and gasps would crush me.
The ones that said my picture wouldn’t hang next to my sisters’ in the hallway.
The ones that said I’d lose my place at the table of bread and wine.
The ones that said I’d be alone.
We looked at each other, my mother and me, and I felt my eyes warm and my throat tense.
The scalded fingers, it turns out, aren’t worth it—the years of denying and forgetting and trepidation—because in the process of sending your memories down the drain, you maim your fingerprints and make the identification of your person nearly impossible. It’s only in turning off the water that your wounds begin to heal.
I walked to her chair. She stood up, hugged me, and into my ear whispered the words that resolutely bound Fear’s limbs:
“I love you so much, son, and I always will.”
Scalded Fingers left me wanting to somehow take the sheer agony & pain away for you. I so admire your honesty (you were amazing at the AGC meeting) and wish I could learn to be honest about things in my life. Thankfully God isn’t finished with me yet. God is shining through you as you write your stories. Thank you.
Yes, Todd, you have a very special way with words. I share many of your thoughts and relate well. I would enjoy sitting down and talking face to face.
Happy New year
John
Very moving Todd…..thanks so much for sharing. I am so enjoying reading your blogs. I am also very proud of you and proud we are related. love, Cindy (Casey’s Aunt)
Just came across your blog via “biblethumppingliberal”. Brought tears to my eyes, Todd. I am a pastor’s wife who works with college aged kids. I wonder how many more young men and women are living in fear … afraid that the love will leave. Thank you for being so honest, so vulnerable, so beautiful.
I’m grateful that you’re reading. Thanks for the encouragement!
Todd, would it be okay if I printed out some of your posts to share with my church? We are working on the Open and Affirming process (UCC lgbt inclusion). I think your testimony explains better than I ever could why our church needs to join the growing list of those who promise that all are welcome at the table, without reservation (pun appreciated but accidental). Kids should ever have to fear that they will be unloved if anyone finds out who they really are. Same is true for adults.
and by “ever” I mean “never”.
I’d be honored! Let me know how the conversation goes.